i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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