So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
