I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Randomize
