just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
