my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
