I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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