FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
