Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
