His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
