Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
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