I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
