Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
