If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I think I won the penis lottery.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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