I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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