Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
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