I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
