i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
