Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
