It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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