why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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