Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
