She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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