There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
