He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Randomize
