why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
