If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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