38 yer olds are good kisserssss
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
