home. puking in laundry basket.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
