obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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