I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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