babies were throwing up all over the place
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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