at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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