Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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