I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
