I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
