Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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