your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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