Yo dont text me then not text me
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
