oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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