I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
