dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
