she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I just threw up on my dentist
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
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