I'd wear matching sweaters with you
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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