you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
