You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Who put my cat in the fridge?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
