Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
