Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
