I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
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