I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
