I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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